Everyone has a Story to Tell: My Two Year Anniversary

Everyone has a story to tell. We all have a past. We all have life events, both good and bad, that have brought us to where we are today. I have a belief  that by sharing my story, I can help others. I have already helped many simply by re-telling my personal story.  What I have to tell is unique in its own way, but it is probably a story that is similar to many others, but they choose not to share. I know everything happens for a reason, and even though I have had some horrible things happen in my life, I have and am still turning them around to do something positive through them. Someone else may hear what I have to say and want to share their story as well, possibly healing from something they have been hiding in their past.  So here it is.  My journey...

As I sit here to write, I really don't to where to begin. It is hard to sum everything up. It really goes all the way back to when I was a little girl, I was Daddy's girl. When I remember my childhood, everything I remember was with my dad. We were always together, and he made me feel like the little princess every girl should feel like. I would wake up really early with him to eat breakfast and wave him goodbye to work, and I especially remember our weekends together. He would get my mom, my brother and me donuts from Casey's or biscuits and gravy from Hardee's. We would go on car rides together, we would go to the park, we would go on bike rides together- I specifically remember him and I riding all the way to Dairy Queen on our bikes together to get ice cream which was a long ways away from our house! These are just some of the things we did together, but there is no doubt that I was a Daddy's girl. 

Six years old, and I am on my way home from the last day of first grade. My brother and I walked to school because it was only a few blocks away. My mom and dad were sitting in our living room waiting to tell us something that seemed very serious. It was. They were getting a divorce, and my mom, brother and I were moving to Manson together, and my dad was going to stay in our house in Fort Dodge.  I was so young that I didn't quite understand what was going on, but I did know I was really going to miss my daddy. 

We moved right away in with my great uncle until we could find an apartment in Manson. He lived in a smaller town close by. He then took on the role as my brother and I's father figure because my dad slowly faded out of our lives. We would go and see him every other weekend, but it turned into once a month, and then never. Part of the reason my mom and him split up was because he was making and selling meth in our garage. He got so caught up in the drugs and keeping a business selling them (eventually going to prison and is still in prison today), that he didn't have time for his kids. My mom did not have a job, and we were living in this tiny two bedroom apartment where she slept on the couch just so my brother and I could each have a room. We didn't have a car, and we didn't have very many things. I wish I could go back in time as myself now and meet my mom back then. I can only imagine how terrified she must have been at many times--wondering how she was going to feed her kids or get them to school. I would have never known this though. I thought everything was fine. I really didn't know any different. I was always clean, I always had clothes to wear, I always got fed, and I always made it to school on time. I don't know where we would have been if my mom wouldn't have fought to be the best mom she could be. She gave us everything she could. 

I may not have realized this at the time, but looking back, I know I was lost without my dad. Every girl needs a strong, positive male role model in their life. When you grow up, this is essential. It instills in you how a man is suppose to treat you. My male 'role model' became my great uncle. We celebrated Father's Day with him and had family holidays with him. He gave us rides when we needed to get to doctor's appointments or go into town to get groceries.  My brother and I stayed at his house all the time but... I didn't tell anyone this until 2009, but this whole time, he was sexually abusing me. I don't need to go into details, but I was so terrified to tell anyone because I didn't know what would happen if we didn't have him. He gave us so many things and helped my mom so much. I thought about telling my mom EVERY single day up through high school. Not a day went by that I tried to work up the courage to tell. He stopped doing it when I was old enough to realize what was going on. The last time I remember being in the bath tub and I screamed at him to get the hell out of there and threw a shampoo bottle at him. He never tried anything again. I think he got scared that I finally knew what was going on, so he stopped. I would guess the time frame to be from when I was 4 until about 12 or 13. 

You can imagine, I was probably a little messed up and damaged from all of that. My view on sex and men was altered. I went through high school wanting a boyfriend so bad. All my friends had boyfriends, and I wanted a guy to love me. I craved male attention, and I would do anything to get it which included being promiscuous through my high school years, but every time, I just wanted a boyfriend. Luckily, I found running as a way to focus and something to put all my energy into. I discovered I was really good at it and made it to state every year in cross country and track. It motivated me each day. It kept me grounded, and it also kept me distracted from thinking about all the bad things. It even made me decide I wanted to be a personal trainer and go to college- the first in my family to go. My mom was still struggling to provide for me. My brother had moved out the year before his senior year, so he was gone as a male role model as well. He held a lot of anger, and he would hit my mom and me, spit on us, and break things when he would come over. He would get so upset about the smallest things. It was really hard to deal with, especially because my mom just took it. She didn't know what to do, and he didn't live with us anymore so she couldn't really punish him either. I am sure it just kept getting harder and harder for her each day. I don't know how she did it, but I am so thankful she did. 

I discovered church through a friend of mine in middle school, so I started going regularly with her. God became a part of my life then, but I didn't quite understand this fully. I really wanted to be a good person, but I led a double life between church and at school. I was one person with my church friends and another with my school friends. I hated this about myself. I got through high school, and I decided I would have a clean slate going into college. I was going to run cross country and track at Wartburg and things were going to be different. I ended up meeting a guy right away that worshipped and adored me.  I don't know if I ever truly was in love with him, but he was so good to me that I couldn't leave. No guy had ever treated me that way, and I didn't think any would ever again. I had to stay with him.  He became my best friend and we spent every free moment together. At the same time, the rest of my focus was still in my running career. I was an obsessed athlete. Nothing was going to stop me. I ended up going to nationals every year in track and ended my career at Wartburg by winning the national title in the 800 meters. That was college for me- a guy and track. I ended up marrying that guy right after college in 2007, but after graduation and track was done, I didn't know who I was anymore. I was always Heidi Porter- the track star. I didn't know what to do with my time and energy. I started realizing the guy wasn't the right guy for me. I started realizing that wasn't what I wanted.  This led to me telling him about my great uncle- something I had never told anyone.  My great uncle even walked me down the isle at my wedding... This was the beginning of the worst years of my life. It was a whirlwind of events that I don't even remember anymore because I was such a mess. I am going to try to fast forward through them the best I can.

I told my ex-husband, then I told my mom. My mom came to see me, where she told me he did it to her as well. I kind of had a feeling she was going to say that. She then told my brother and confronted my great uncle, something I specifically told her not to do. He of course denied it. Then, my brother and my mom both said they did not believe me. They to this day don't believe me, and I am no longer invited to the family functions they have because my great uncle is there. Back to my ex-husband- I then decided I wasn't going to be married, divorced him, but then jumped straight into another relationship with a different guy.  I got really confused, broke up with him, and then tried to get back together with my ex- even after our divorce was final. Then, I got confused again, and broke up with him and got back together with the other guy. I was such a mess, I was so depressed, and I did not know what the hell I was thinking. Every day was so hard. I did not want to get out of bed, and I thought about ending my life so many times. I didn't know what to do or where to turn to. The relationship with the other guy was the relationship from hell. He made me feel so horrible about myself, used me strictly for physical reasons, and drove me to developing an eating disorder because he made me feel so horrible about myself, on top of already not having a great self-image. We ended up breaking up, and it was one of those break ups that lasts 6 months.  I was living with a friend of mine in Cedar Falls. (I had moved like 8 times at this point!). She and I became really close because she was going through a divorce as well. She then decided to move out, and I was suppose to live with her, but that fell through. I was left alone in this apartment. I was working as a personal trainer through all this, and it was the hardest things in the world to go to work and pretend like nothing was wrong. To be motivating when the last thing you felt was motivated. I was so depressed, and I was so alone. My family told me I ruined our family and wasn't talking to me, I had no energy for any friends, my ex-boyfriend's family didn't want me, my roommate didn't want me. I had no money. I got in car accident where someone hit me, and I couldn't work for weeks. I got screwed out of a job. I had to get my first credit card and was in a ton of debt. Nothing was going right, and I had no energy to change things around. I would sit there and stare at my bible, knowing I needed to read it, but I had nothing to give. I knew what I needed to do, but I just couldn't. I spent all my energy pretending like nothing was wrong, trying to work through it myself.

It was two years ago today that marked the beginning of my transformation. It was Thursday, November 18, 2010. I woke up that day, knowing it was going to be an extra hard day. The whole week prior to this day was really hard. I went out drinking almost every night, driving myself home because I just didn't care. I went on a run one night thinking about running in front of every car that passed by me. I wasn't eating because I couldn't, and when I did, it was in binges. I had pills from my car accident sitting on my bathroom sink, waiting for me. I went home for lunch that day, and that was it. I had hit rock bottom. I googled if you would go to heaven if you committed suicide, and I prayed God would take me out of this hell. I got every bottle of pills I could find- Vicodin, muscle relaxers, benedryl, nyquil, tylenol pm- a total of over 500 pills. I took them all, washing them down with alcohol, sitting on my living room floor, bawling hysterically. I took one more look in the mirror, prayed to God he would forgive me and understand that I couldn't take it anymore, and I laid on the floor and waited. Waited to be released from the hell I was living in...

I woke up to myself stumbling around the apartment, puking my brains out. I couldn't see straight, I couldn't stand up. I kept falling down, and I didn't know what was going on. I assumed I had drank too much the night before. It is all very blurry to me, as I cannot remember everything. The next thing I remember was my ex-boyfriend coming in and asking what the hell had happened. I had rug burn and blood down my face and puke was every where. I was still in a very bad state and didn't know what was going on. He then called 911 and an ambulance took me to the hospital. I had been in my apartment for over 24 hours. I shouldn't have survived.  My ex would have never randomly stopped at my apartment in the middle of the day, but he said he felt like something was wrong and came over. Thank God he did. I got my stomach pumped and had an IV because I was so dehydrated. I spent the night there, and then the next 3 nights in the psychiatric ward-- what an experience. During my time there, I heard God for the first time in my life, telling me this was the beginning. Comforting me, telling me I would come out of this. Assuring me that He was all I needed and he would get me through. 

That He did. I had to hit rock bottom before I could move forward, and holy cow, was I motivated to get better. I met with my pastor who set me up with a mentor, a wonderful woman who is still a part of my life every day. I had the support of my friends around me. I joined a women's bible study. I shared my story with everyone I worked with. My classes and my clients became my family and they encouraged me along the way as well. I made a list of all my personal goals, and I did one thing each day to become a better person. I knew it wasn't going to happen over night, and I also knew it was going to be so hard. It was so hard somedays. I still had really hard days, but the hard days started to out-weigh the good days. Nothing really changed around me; it was my perspective and thinking that changed. I chose my attitude and chose to be grateful. I started noticing all the wonderful people I had around me and wrote down what I was thankful everyday- it was a lot. I had all of this the whole time; I was just blinded by the negative. I then decided I needed something to really keep me driven and focused, and that is when I decided to do an Ironman. I had heard the Madison Ironman was one of the best ones, and it was really close, so I signed up. The registration fills up really fast, so I didn't think I was going to get in, but I did! I then dedicated that year to God and Ironman. I even signed a contract with my good friend that said I wasn't going to date anyone until after Ironman. It said that Jesus was going to be my boyfriend. So, that was my life. Training, church, work, and fitting friends in the gaps. I did Ironman for me, but I also did it to prove to others that you can do anything and overcome anything. I had the most amazing support of all the people around me. I even sold shirts that said HFC - Heidi's Fan Club on them, and sold over 100! Everyone was so great!  

Making the decision to do the Ironman was also another turning point in my life. It saved my life, but it also brought me to where I am today, two years later from hitting rock bottom.  Going into Ironman, I knew I would finish. It would be easy compared to everything I had already been through, and God was going to give me the strength to do it.  I finished, and I finished feeling amazing. The last five miles, I was kissing everyone, hugging everyone, dancing with people, and screaming I am an Ironman! It was the happiest day of my life. My best friends were there watching me, and they celebrated with me at the finish. What an accomplishment! Not only physically, but personally as I had grown so much during my solo 100 mile bike rides, 20 mile runs, or 2 hour swim work outs. I was living proof that 'Impossible is Nothing'. A quote that motivated my training, and I eventually even tattooed on the side of my leg. A quote I still live by every day. 

The Ironman made me fall in love with Madison, and I live here now, and I work right downtown where I finished the Ironman! I would have never thought that a year ago! I met the most wonderful guy, who you all know about and am dating him and am in a relationship that is beyond everything I ever wished for!  I would have never guessed all of this would have happened, but I was patient and trusted God would provide. He always does. I was finally at peace, and He waited until I had that peace to bring me the things I kept trying to force to happen for so long. Instead of putting my focus into forcing these things, I put my focus on God, and that is when everything fell into place. I really didn't have a whole lot, but I felt like it, and now all these other wonderful things are just bonuses to my already great life.  It all happened so easily- without me even trying. This is how life is suppose to be. This is how you know when something is truly right.  When you can be at peace with nothing but the love from God. People, things, money, etc will not make you happy. Sometimes you have to get everything taken away from you to realize this. Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom, but I promise you, there is always a way out. With small steps and a lot of hard work, you can find that peace that is and always will be inside you. 

This is my story. A story I want to share, not for me, but for each of you who reads it. In hopes it will encourage you to take a small step, share your story to help someone, give you hope, give you dreams, or help you see that no one is perfect. We all have a story to tell. We all have struggles. We are put on this earth to love one another and build each other up and to always remember that with God, Impossible is Nothing.